I could never be a Mormon. They have too many fucked up beliefs. Like did you know they think hanging out with your family can be a good time. Pretty sure in the normal bible, it says hangin with the family is for losers.
My friend wore a Wisconsin tuxedo to a wedding. It was pretty cool. If you don't know what a Wisconsin tuxedo is, it's basically a Canadian tuxedo. Denim shirt, denim jacket, except you take off your jeans because you're drunk.
I'm starting to expect my boss has a comb-over. Cuz there's this long haired dude whose only job is to stand right next to him.
If i see someone inside without a mask, i wait until they exhale before i get mad. Cuz they could just be holding their breath.
Sex is a lot like an unmarked four-way intersection. It's dangerous. I'm never sure who's supposed to make the first move. One time I killed a guy.
I thought these silent meditation retreats were all about forgiveness and letting go, but I got kicked out of one just for accidentally doing the Borat voice 47 times.
I tried one of those ear wax candles. It was nice for awhile but now my apartment smells like ear wax.
When I die I’ll definitely have an open casket bc I live for attention.
My dad told me i should take a job that didn’t pay well because it was a good way to “get my foot in the door.” Come on, if I’m gonna get my foot slammed in a door I’m at least gonna make a bunch of money.
You know that thing where you pretend like you would totally do the thing that needs to get done? Ya know, when your partner starts to get something and you sit up a little and say ‘’oh I can get...’’ but you time it just right so they’re already up. I’m getting very good at that.
I like road trips with my dad growing up. Out of nowhere, he'd say "hey fam, pack up. Time for a road trip." We'd pile in station wagon. Then he'd throw the map out of the window and say "We won't be needing this." Then my brother would ask where we were going. Then my dad would say "Hell if I know." Then we'd sit there for a while, and dad would start crying, and then we'd go back inside.
My quarantine hair has the length of Crystal Gayle and the thickness of Jack Nicholson.
My Landlord said I really half-assed the lawnmowing this year, but lemme tell ya, duct taping that knife to my roomba was a lot of work.
I’m so depressed I forgot to get drunk last night.
Some ppl would rather endure physical pain then spend time alone with their thoughts. Not me though. i like both. I’m a cutter.
Whenever we try to have sex, our dog whines and won’t leave us alone. And people are like oh yeah, he’s worried about you. And I’m like nope. He wants IN. Our dog fucks.
I’m becoming a minimalist and I gotta say, it’s great having all this extra space. Except now, I can’t find my keys. Or my wallet. Or pants.
I work in hospice and it used to be that no one could relate to my weird job where I work with dying people. Now people get it. Because we’re living in the apocalypse, we’re basically all on hospice.
This pandemic isolation makes my family feel like a wolf pack. Like we’re a team- all in it together. I’m the alpha, tho. I eat all the good food and leave only scraps for the others.
Did you know you can get fruit cheaper if you don't mind flaws? Like I bought some apples for thirty cents a pound, and the only thing wrong with them is they looked and tasted like shit.
My mom wouldn't let him take us to wrestling because it was too violent, which was dumb because when he took us to Sesame Street on Ice, he still got drunk enough to punch a dude.
I’m pretty sure they’re called submarine sandwiches because if you throw them in a lake they stink